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Brazilian teen dies after wanking too much

admin — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 12:16:38 +0000

Here is another news item for our stupid ways to die collection.

According to a report from Rubiato Town, which we are told is in the Goiás region of Brazil, a 16 year old kid managed to kill himself by tossing off 42 times, apparently without stopping.

By all accounts his mother knew he was addicted to choking the chicken. She told the local paper that she was planning to ask the family doctor about it, but her horny son wanked himself into an early grave before she got around to it.

It is said that this young man would start stroking the salami around midnight and not stop milking the trouser snake until either his arms wouldn’t work anymore or the his alarm went off in the morning.

Apparently his friends at school were also aware of his need to constantly pleasure himself, although its not clear whether he indulged in bouts of self gratification in class. It was also claimed by some of his classmates that he offered to let them watch him on a webcam, although none of the girls in his class admitted to taking him up on the offer.

By all accounts he was attracted to women of any age, colour or size and would knock one out every chance he got. Not too surprisingly investigators reportedly found a huge stash of porn when they checked his room, his hard drive we are told, was almost entirely filled with pictures and videos of people fucking and sucking themselves senseless.

Now I’m all for a quick (or even a slow) wank, but 42 times is a bit much. The thing I’d like to know is who was actually keeping count? Was his mother watching him on the webcam he had setup?

German bank robber a complete muppet

admin — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 05:24:19 +0000

If you are going to commit a crime, particularly one involving witnesses, its usually a pretty good idea to disguise your appearance so that as few people as possible can identify you after the act.

So if after you’ve committed said crime you read a report in the newspaper which incorrectly describes you as a short, 30-ish, Albanian when you are in fact a tall, 19 year old German, one would think you’d be pretty pleased with yourself.
Apparently not if you are a 19 year old German retard from the town of Roettingen in Germany, where this oh-so-not-clever young fuckwit robbed a bank and after reading about his exploits in the papers, decided to email the editors of two papers to point out factual errors in their stories.

According to The Daily Bild, he took the piss out of the police for getting his age, height and accent incorrect and he reminded them that he escaped in a car, not on foot.

Of course the cops traced the fuckwits email and arrested him just a few hours later, apparently wasting his ill-gotten gains in a gambling hall in Hamburg.

“His game of mouse and pussycat went all wrong,” a rather fat Wuerzburg police spokesman said.

Moron tries to sell ladder he stole to the guy he stole it from

admin — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 08:31:36 +0000

Kevin Gilman has earned a place in the “most stupid criminals club” after he tried to sell a ladder he had stolen to the guy he stole it from in the first place.

To make matters even worse for not so clever Kevin, he had already served some time in prison for stealing the ladder. Apparently he first stole the ladder in July 2010 but was seen with it by the proper owner who reported him to the police. Kevin was subsequently arrested and charged with theft. Then in August after he was released from prison, our not so super smart criminal phoned the ladder’s owner and asked him if he was interested in buying a ladder.

It seems that not so clever Kevin had listened to the voice-mails he’d received before his arrest but being a complete moron he didn’t realize that he had already called the same man who had turned him in to the police.

Of course the guy immediately called the police again and they turned up in his place to buy back the stolen ladder. Actually the police bought 3 stolen ladders from Kevin and arrested his stupid sorry ass.

He then admitted to police that he had been stealing ladders so he could get into houses and steal more stuff. According to his confession he would grab whatever he could and sell it on ebay.

So this time Kevin’s going to be spending a bit more time in prison where he can ponder his complete lack of criminal skillz.